|
| i don't trust him, you, them, me. wouldn't it be nice...?
| | |
| arguably the worst i've ever had.
a re-post from a few weeks ago on my failspace blog:
i try to keep busy and
stay positive but it's harder than you'd think. by the end of the week
i become moody and desperate for human interaction. i do things, i do,
but it is almost always alone. i don't go out as much anymore, either,
because by the end of my day i feel so bad that going out for drinks
seems almost dangerous. my life hasn't even started. i haven't even
lived. i am only 22! why are people abandoning me now? where is
everyone? this isn't normal or healthy.
i've made myself
available to no avail, and now i don't know how to stop crying and
making myself sick. i don't know how to show people i am interested.
interested in them! i love others, but i hate them. i hate them for
getting my hopes up. how dare you call someone who you don't talk to,
someone you don't try to see, your friend? i will never understand
this. i am so angry with certain people for not caring enough to try.
this is just not right.
so often i find myself looking for
reasons for this divide separating me from others. perhaps my gross
awareness of my emotions and need to talk of them honestly and openly
scares people away. i might never know.
sometimes
i don't know how people can't see how open and caring i am. how hard i
am trying. i feel so desperate, so disgusting. i can't talk (or write)
about it without crying, but i need to talk. my time is
devoted to dissecting this -- what has been the last thirteen years of
my life. just me trying to decide i am not crazy. people to spend time
with, companions, friendship. i know this is not too much to ask.
5HTP
disrupted my sleep cycle and stopped making me feel better. i have to
wonder if it ever really did. a few weeks ago the fits returned. a text
from alex woke me up last night after i poured into bed and i couldn't
sleep for hours. i was glad to hear from at least someone. as for
feeling better, well, i won't get my hopes up.
this is all over the place. i never expect anyone reads my emotional mess.
| | |
| ...sucked volumes, but i now have three sweet tattoos. one isn't pictured because it's hard to take a picture of my damn elbow. forgive my dirty toes, they have ink on them in this photo:  i created the design a few months back. janelle, ben, damon and lara pitched in to help me get it. and david of course did the work. thank you everyone! some horrible things have happened to me, and getting this done put some cool into my day. | | |
| hi, guess who is going to see built to spill on june 7th? :) fuck yes! i am so excited.
| | |
| i have been busier than i have been in a long time lately. going OUT with friends, drinking enitrely too much...but best of all, i've been spending lots of time with my new boyfriend which brings lots of new excitement and new feelings and all that shit. i am trying to remember to take things s-l-o-w even though we are blowing each other's minds. i'm taking him to doug stanhope on friday and i couldn't be more excited. i met his son this weekend (he is 5) and we of course took a liking to eachother. i (unbelievably) told my mom about this (the 10-year age difference, the kid, etc. etc.) and i did not make her jaw drop. i'm sure i'll be judged on this by friends/acquaintances (who am i kidding-i already am being judged on this) but i absolutely do not care. i have lots of (cautious) optimism about this. i am fucking grateful.
i worked at the hospital today and it wasn't completely crazy so i'm relieved. back at the clinic tomorrow. if MF (it is so perfect what her initials spell...) stays out of my hair i will be totally fine! crossing my fingers now...
i miss you girls...well, jess/carrie, y'know! please email me and i will reply ASAP. i want to know how you are.
| | |
|
